Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Stupid Horror Movies That Should Be Books

Just a disclaimer:

I haven't watched any of these movies. They just look stupid, but I'd totally pay to read them as books.

1. Chain Letter (2010)

I found this on my Letterboxd feed, much to my chagrin, but later amusement. It's a horror about teenagers who get chased down, stalked, and murdered if they don't forward this chain letter.



And here's the kicker: he murders them... with chains.

Point is, the gore is apparently decent. I'm sorry, but no gore is decent. 

I'm sure if someone feels the need to write this as a book, it'll be AWESOME. Sort of like a book about diseases. (Lauren Oliver, are you listening?) Don't disappoint, future writer, please don't.

"A serial killer unleashes his blood lust at a remote environmental camp. Years later a horror novelist relocates to rural England and is plagued to the point of madness by horrific hauntings of a massacre.

Dear god, think of how awesome this book could be! Like a interestingly terrible Stephen King book.

Knowing how most indie movies go, this is probably unfortunately full of suck.

Anyone care to write a short story with this synopsis? I will give you a pint of baby blood if you do.

3. The Manitou (1978)

This is the description for the movie, verbatim:

"Possession marked The Exorcist. Demonaic Pregenacy erupted Rosemary's Baby. Warnings followed The Omen. And The Manitou has it all combined!

A psychic's girlfriend finds out that a lump on her back is a growing reincarnation of a 400 year-old demonic Native American spirit."

If you think I'm lying, I'll tell you one thing: I cannot even make this crap up. But seriously, okay, does this not sound like a better version of Twilight? Instead of a demonic half-vampire baby in Bella's stomach, we have a 400 year-old spirit not in her womb, but on her back. I have never gotten pregnant on my back. That is so freaking awesome. Twilight fan-fic extraordinaires, PLEASE try to write this in somewhere!!

 4. Troll 2 (1990)

For the record, this is a sequel, but this was too great to pass up.

"The original boogeyman is back.

A young child is terrified to discover that a planned family trip is to be haunted by vile plant-eating monsters out of his worst nightmare..."

This MIGHT be scary if the kid on the poster didn't look like he had to take a dump.

And what the... these scary monsters eat plants? MOTHER HUMPING PLANTS? Vegetarians are NOT scary. Okay, so they might be scary when they knock on your door trying to coerce you to join PETA or some crap, but still. No.

Just no.

However- this could be a fricking amazing satire. Just think what Terry Prachett could do with this crap! Yes! Please- Harvard Lampoon, are you interested? I know you wrote Hunger Pains- I'd like you to write this, too.

5. Rise of the Animals (2011)

Do I even need to post the synopsis? Okay, fine.

"Bambi doesn't want a fucking salad.

In a world where animals have turned on humanity, a teen travels across the country in search of the girl of his dreams."

I can't even.


But, if you stick  some awesome author on it- Carrie Ryan or Kendare Blake (The Forest of Hands and Teeth and Anna Dressed in Blood) this is bound to scare the crap out of me. No dip.

In conclusion:

Books make everything better.


Do you have a suggestion for Stupid... That Should Be Books? Contact me with info!


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